By John ‘Butch’ Dale
Guest Columnist

My cell phone kicked the bucket last month. I was ecstatic. No more calls. No more texts. No more searching the house to see where I had set it down. No interruptions while sitting on the bathroom throne. No more damn fraud phone calls while taking a nap. Just peace and quiet.

John ‘Butch’ Dale

That settles that! Until my dear wife reminded me that she might have to call me during an emergency … such as every Friday evening when we are buying groceries, each pushing a cart and going our separate ways. “Where are you at? Are you almost done? Did you get the butter? You didn’t forget the dog food, did you? I’ll meet you up front in five minutes.” To her, this is an emergency call.

“OK, OK, I’ll buy another phone!” So the next weekend, I headed to AT&T in Lafayette. My wife was happy. “You should get a smartphone this time,” she suggested.

But I was ready for that, “Not gonna happen … I don’t want a smartphone. Besides, they cost a fortune.”

“Yes, but you can text faster, you can save photos and videos on it, you can shop on it, you can obtain directions, you can do lots of things with a smartphone.”

“First of all, I don’t even like to text. Secondly, I have thousands of photos and videos … stored right up here in my tiny little brain. Furthermore, I am not buying anything by using a phone because I do not want anyone stealing my credit card numbers, bank information, or personal information. And as you know, men don’t need directions or a map. Lastly, a flip phone is a lot smaller, and fits perfectly in my front pocket.”

When I told the AT&T guy the same thing, he agreed with me. “Well, Mr. Dale, flip phones are actually making a comeback. Here’s your new one … $79.” Case closed. While my wife is buying Little Debbies on aisle six, she can continue to make those “emergency” calls to me while I am examining the fiber content of cereal on aisle seven … “Yes, dear, I did not forget the dog food!”

As luck would have it, the next week my watch stopped ticking. No problem … likely just needed a new battery. So off I go to Walmart in Lafayette and head to the jewelry counter, where a nice young gal takes a look at my Timex. “Yes, we have a battery for your watch … it’s $5.50. Do you want me to put it in for you?” … “Sure, that would be great!” And in a few seconds, she removed the back of the watch, discarded the old battery, and placed the new one inside.

But then … trouble. After several tries, the back would not snap back into place. “I’ll have to get the watch guy. He’s an expert on this.” Well, the “watch guy” looked like he may have just been released on parole or escaped from an insane asylum. A half hour later … “Sorry, dude, I just can’t figure it out. Do you still want to buy the new battery?” … “I guess so. I’ll try it myself when I get home.”

Back home, standing at my workbench, I tried for an hour to press, push, clamp, fasten, impel, propel, shove, drive, force and squeeze the back of the watch into position. My wife, watching TV in the front room, heard me let out few select curse words. Finally exasperated, I did what every skilled watch repairman would do. I gently laid the watch face down, inserted the battery, delicately placed the back of the watch into position … and then hit the freaking thing with a ballpeen hammer. It closed … and started ticking again … GOOD AS NEW! Except the glass watch face has a crack in it.

Maybe Santa can bring me a new Timex for Christmas.

Problems continued. I made my monthly payment for some land we purchased a few years ago. While waiting for the receipt to be printed, I spied a candy dish on the counter … containing peppermint Life-Savers. I stuck three in my pocket. Hey, why not … it’s the least they can do for me forking over $848 each month.

On the drive back home, I popped a Life-Saver into my mouth. No … just could not wait for it to dissolve. Had to bite it. Chipped off a piece of my front tooth. Later that evening after work, I told my wife, who stated unequivocally, “That’s gonna cost you at the dentist’s office.” I had another idea. But I decided to wait until the next morning when she had left for work.

Found my Dremel tool, inserted the little grinding wheel, tightened it up with a wrench, said a little prayer … Yep, in a few seconds, Butch Dale, DDS-TCW (Doctor of Dental Surgery-The Cheap Way), had ground off the bottom of the chipped front tooth. Maybe no one will notice that it’s a little shorter than the one next to it. But thankfully, when I had my dentist fill a cavity the next week, he ground off the other tooth to make both look even. His assistant, who was laughing, told me that she had heard of a few crazy people using a Dremel grinder tool on their teeth, but she had never actually met such a person.

Thanks. … I think.