By Dick Wolfsie
Guest Columnist

This is the longest time I have ever been home alone. My wife is in Boston with my sister, Linda. Before Mary Ellen left, she gave me precise directions on what to do and what not to do. My wife hopes that when she returns from her trip, she will walk into a house that looks somewhat like the one she left.

Dick Wolfsie

Mary Ellen’s plane gets in this Saturday at 3:45 p.m. She should walk in the door at about 4:30 p.m. Our housekeeper is scheduled to leave that day at 4:15, just before Mary Ellen arrives. After Nettie leaves, I am not allowed to cook anything or open the fridge. I can’t walk out the front door and then come back in the house unless I take off my shoes. And if I go outside barefoot, then I’m not allowed to come back in the house at all.

Mary Ellen is particularly concerned with our cat, Angel. This cat hates me. Every time she sees me she snarls and her hair stands up on her back. She tries to bite me when I come near Mary Ellen. That’s why I haven’t kissed my wife good night in 14 years.

But Mary Ellen wants me to play with Angel because she doesn’t want Angel to miss her too much, get bored, or wish she had someone to snuggle with. Hey, what about me? That’s in the rules, as well. I’m not allowed to have anyone to snuggle with.

After Mary Ellen had been gone about a week, I sent her this note:

Hi Mary Ellen,

I just wanted to update you on what’s going on here at home.

Angel is fine. She did get out once, but she seems very content to be on the roof. I’m sure she’ll be okay, even if we have that expected tornado.

I borrowed your Prius one day to save on gas.

Bad news: I hit a guy in the rear.

Good News: No damage to your car. He was a pedestrian.

When I came home the other day, I heard this dinging noise in the house. I thought maybe Angel was playing with her toys. But no, it was the fridge signaling me the freezer door had been left open. But only for 12 hours. Don’t worry, I refroze everything that had melted. Then someone told me this wasn’t a safe thing to do. You might want to Google every item on the list attached to see which foods are deadly to refreeze.

I am proud that I ran the dishwasher all by myself. I couldn’t find the dishwasher soap you said to use so I just put in some liquid hand soap. Did you know bubbles can stick to the ceiling? The house is so festive now. We should do this next Christmas.

The lawn has not been cut in two weeks. Not my fault. We have no mower. I left the garage door open one night. All my beer is gone, too. I hope whoever took all my winter coats off the garage rack will donate a few to kids who need them. Spring is here, so I’m sure the crook will find good use for all your gardening tools.

Finally, our son is doing great. He just pulled into the driveway. He’s going up on the roof to chase Angel.